In this issue...
How are you doing at really listening? If you asked your direct reports (or even your spouse or significant other) you might get a surprise! (See article at right, then give us your thoughts on our BLOG.)

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Can You Hear me Now?

The Vanishing Art of Listening

The recent sudden death of Tim Russert, 17-year host of NBC's Meet the Press, generated an outpouring of accolades about his work, and about him as a person. Even politicians of all stripes agreed that Tim was an outstanding interviewer. He prepared thoroughly, and he was tough and fair. He also possessed a quality that effective leaders need to cultivate in business conversations: genuine curiosity about how others see things. He was especially effective in listening deeply and asking follow up questions.  

Managers are frequently reminded that they need to listen to their employees. Most managers think they do, although many employees would disagree. Why does listening matter so much?

• Listening is the most important way of valuing others. People don't feel valued unless they feel listened to. All of us have an innate desire for meaningful connection with others, a desire to be truly heard and understood. Listening is the essential foundation upon which trust can be built.

• Listening is the only way we can hope to understand others. TV host Linda Ellerbee said, "My goal in every interview is to find out what it's like to be you." Do you know why conversation is so difficult? Everyone - including you and me - looks at the world through a set of unique filters, so my reality actually is different from yours. You can't know how others see things until they tell you. And they won't tell you if they perceive you won't really LISTEN.

• According to a study conducted by CO2 Partners, only 11 percent of employees will ask their supervisor for advice on workplace issues. They'll go to peers or even friends outside the company before they'll come to their supervisors. And the dominant reason is that they don't feel they'll be heard.

• Listening is your best hope to expand your own perspective. Asking others to tell you how they see things and then listening to their responses enables you to see facets of an issue you would have missed. (Remember, your vision is limited by your filters.) As a leader your effectiveness is increased as you expand your perspective.  Effective leaders listen for what surprises them, for what they didn't expect to hear. They are comfortable enough with themselves to hear things that disturb them.

But listening is hard work. In fact, it burns a lot of calories! What are your particular challenges to listening at this level?

• Multi-tasking: Our intentions are good: we're just trying to get as much done as possible in the shortest period of time. So we talk on the phone, eat lunch, and check email all at the same time. And we feel more productive and efficient. But the latest research in neuroscience tells us clearly that when we do this, quality suffers significantly. So while we feel "efficient," the person on the other end of the phone call feels devalued.

• Continuous partial attention: Linda Stone, Microsoft's VP of corporate and industry initiatives, coined this term to describe what's happening to us as a result of the barrage of communication coming at us. As the song goes, "Everybody's talking at me, don't hear a word they're saying..." Linda says we constantly scan the environment in order to pick up on what seems the most important thing at the moment, in order not to miss anything - and so are constantly shifting our attention from one thing or person to another. And as we shift our attention away from the person who is talking to us, we signal them that they don't matter as much as something or someone else.

• Assumptions: You've probably risen to a leadership role partly because you're a good problem solver, you're decisive, you take initiative and take action. These qualities involve the ability to size things up quickly. And yet this very ability can cause you to make assumptions and stop listening when you're in crucial business (and personal) conversations. We assume we know the problem, the causes, and the solutions. We assume we know what the associate is going to say, what they mean, what they intend, what they need. And, from the top of the ladder of inference, we act as though our assumptions are fact. So no need to listen (we assume).

• Emotions: One of the biggest barriers to listening is emotion - ours and theirs.  It's very difficult to listen to someone we disagree with, or someone we don't have a lot of confidence in, or someone who is bringing up negative issues. Emotions focus our attention on what we're going to say next, so we don't think about what they're saying to us. Emotions activate one part of the brain, rational thinking another. Emotions cause us to hear things that were not actually said, and to miss things that were.

To overcome these challenges, let's get back to the basics of listening and review the 4 LISTEN tools from the ALT^TM toolbox (See sidebar).

1. Focus Attention: Linda Stone says "We have focused on managing our time. Our opportunity is to focus on how we manage our attention." This is a discipline, just like physical exercise, because it means putting all our energy into being in the moment, and concentrating all our attention on the person we're listening to. Begin with the 55% of communication that is body language: eye contact, facial expressions, posture, movement, gestures.
   
   Jim Kroncke, one of our P2P facilitators, said one of his young daughters reminded him of this one night when he was "listening" to her while reading the newspaper. She rushed to him, snatched the paper away, and said, "Daddy! I want you to listen to me with your eyes!" Do you listen with your eyes? When you're on the phone, do you imagine the other person there in front of you and send verbal acknowledgments to let them know you're really focusing your attention?

2. Clarify and confirm: Have you discovered how powerful the paraphrase can be? It helps you focus your attention (you can't paraphrase if you weren't paying attention), and helps you engage with the other person to demonstrate that you're really trying to understand their meaning. The paraphrase can do so many things that we call it the "Swiss Army Knife of conversation." (See sidebar)
   
   This listening tool also involves ASKing follow-up questions to go deeper. Often it's the 4th or 5th question that gets to the heart of the matter. Asking these questions in the appropriate tone (remember, tone is 38% of communication). coupled with effective paraphrases, can bring you to a much deeper level of engagement, understanding, and openness. This is what Tim Russert did expertly.

3. Listening with Empathy: Empathy is not agreeing or condoning. It's acknowledging that their "different reality" is real for them. Practice saying "I can understand that this change seems arbitrary to you," or "You seem to be frustrated by this change." This is connecting with others at a very deep emotional level, and powerfully changes the conversation. It helps you get on the same page, so that together you can solve problems.
   
   David Hutchens, author of Listening to the Volcano, said leaders should practice "reflective openness - participating with the mindset that I do not expect to 'win' this conversation. I want to understand you. I don't have the full picture. I want to see what you see."
   
   Listening with empathy also demands that we suspend judgment. The only assumption you can safely make is to assume positive intent on the part of the other.

4. Summarizing: This form of listening often requires you to take notes as you talk. It means pulling together the key threads of the conversation in a concise package that both of you can agree accurately characterizes the conversation. It also can give both of you a platform for a plan of action. It's especially helpful at transition points in the conversation and at the end.

This kind of deep listening engages the whole person:

• Listen with ears and eyes.
  Pay attention; filter out distractions; note body language; acknowledge  
  
  

• Listen with your mind.  
  Analyze; ask questions; probe for details; clarify; confirm  
  
  

• Listen with your "gut."
  Surface your hunches and assumptions and ask if they are correct. Restate in your own words what the speaker said, add what you think the implication is, and ask the other to confirm or correct.  
  
  

• Listen with your heart.  
  Express your awareness of the other's motives, feelings, and values in this situation.

As American philosopher Thoreau said, "The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when asked me what I thought, and paid attention to my answer."

What do you think?

Give us your thoughts on our BLOG  

P2P (People to People)
The ALT Skills^TM Toolkit

Conversation is the primary instrument of leadership. Leaders can ensure that important conversations have the desired impact if they thoughtfully use the ALT Skills^TM:


A is for ASK


Successful leaders engage others in conversation by asking open-ended questions to draw out the other person, to demonstrate genuine interest in what others are thinking, to explore creative options, to develop mutual understanding of issues, and to encourage others to take a different perspective.


L is for LISTEN

Successful leaders genuinely listen to what others say and how they are saying it - they don't just "reload their guns" while the other person is talking. They listen with their eyes as well as their ears. They listen with their brains, but also with their hearts. Real listening involves focusing attention, repeating back to clarify and confirm, summarizing key points, and expressing empathy.


T is for TELL

Most leaders do too much TELLing and not enough ASKing and LISTENing. But there is a proper place for a strong, clear leadership message. Employees need to hear from their leaders where are we going, how are we going to get there, and why does it matter. Leaders need to tell their story, say what they're passionate about. And employees need to hear direct, honest, specific feedback from their leaders.


ASK, LISTEN, and TELL - the leader's toolkit for effective conversations that impact the success of the business. Without careful, deliberate planning and execution, leaders leave the impact of these important business conversations to chance.

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